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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

Subject:For Kremmy-poo
Time:9:38 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
All right, Kremmet da Frog requested my arguement on the lack of infinity in the universe, so I'm actually putting up another post. But before we get to that, shit about me, because, well, fuck you, this is my journal :)

Anyways, I have a new toy I want to get. It's called an electro saudering cutter or something like that... I dunno. Whatever. Anyways. So I go to the doctor to get this mole removed. The mole is right on the back of my neck, right next to my spine. So she injects the novicaine straight into the mole, and, of course, has to do a double dose because I'm resistant. So, with the injection that close to a lot of central systems, pretty much everything from my shoulder to my left eye is either burning or numb. So, like 5 or 10 minutes after the fact, she takes this thing, and aside from the obvious, acrid smell of burning flesh, I don't notice a thing, and lickity split she goes "all done". Seriously, this thing just blazed through my flesh. Now I have a scar in the back of my neck that looks like I was shot with a BB gun. Seriously, freaking awesome.

Okay, a few quick, random thoughts:

-I have 3.5 hours between classes tomorrow, and that pisses me off to no end.
-The tournament league might not start up next week, and that would bum me out.
-The Playstation Board of Gamers or whatever finally started sending me shit, and now I have a free CD case, which is cool.
-I might start getting back into MTG, which is frightening
-I have to make TheWarp.net Avatar competition rules up, which is daunting
-Your mother, just because
-I really should finish reading a whole crap load of stuff, including the school reading I'm still behind on
-I hate thefacebook.com because I feel obligated to keep my account now, but it's a stupid ass site...


Anyways, now that I'm exhausted, let's see if we can get to the meat of my post, shall we?

So this whole thing came up because of my Philosophy of Science class. The professor referenced this guy Zeno, long dead philosopher who believed motion was impossible. The basic jist of his theory is: "To reach any point in space from any other point in space, you must first travel half the distance between those two points. To the same effect, you must travel half the distance of this half. If you continue down this path of halves, you will need to cross an infinite number of half distances, which you will never reach the smallest unit of distance that you can begin travelling." Or something close to that effect. Get it? Got it? Good.

So, anyways, this pissed me off. It seemed extremely defeatist, and I felt almost like Zeno was exploiting a fluke to give himself some sort of air of intellectual superiority. So, I decided to take vague definitions and flukes and turn it around on him.

So it starts off a little like this:

second thought... I'll just post the actual e-mail I sent. It's still rough and unpolished, but it saves me the effort of going through a new draft and then putting it here when I'm this tired....

So, without further to do (adieu, whatever):


Zeno stated that motion was impossible due to the fact that there are an
infinite number of half distances between any number of points, and that any two
points, no matter how close, may still be divided into smaller segments of
distance. However, I question the validity of his argument by denying the
existence of infinity in this -- or any -- universe.

By definition of both a universe and infinity, no universe is infinitely
large. One can never reach infinity, and if you ever arrive at a point in space,
you have not reached infinity, as you may continue farther. Therefore, no space
can "stretch on to infinity", as it can never arrive to infinite, infinity
always being superior to the universe. A universe must then have a bound at some
point, some set of constraints where it stops seeking infinity and ends.

Alternatively, one could argue -- somewhat weakly -- that if one cannot
state for certainty that a universe is infinitely large, as the end would always
be "just a little farther," then a universe must be finite because it is the
only statement that is possible to say for certainty, even if it is yet to be
proved.

In a bound space, infinity cannot exist. Infinity, by its own definition,
cannot be placed in constraints. There is no possible way to fit an infinite
number of points in a bound space. The points would have to be infinitely small,
which you could never achieve such a size because they could always be smaller,
no matter how small you got them. Conversely, as you get infinitely smaller,
mathematics states any constant value divided by infinity becomes zero. If the
point takes up zero space, it does not exist, and thus again you are unable to
fit an infinite number of points into a bound space. Therefore, infinity cannot
exist in a constrained universe.

If infinity does not exist, then there must be some point where the
divisions of space become so small they can no longer be divided, much the same
as Democritus and modern physicists believe there is an ultimate "stuff" that
cannot be divided. Once that finitely small space has been reached, motion is
possible.

However, it is not fitting to leave infinity as not existing, simply because
there is too much evidence of its existence in mathematics, logic, and reason.
Upon further inspection, the state of non-existence is, in itself, a sham. In a
state of non-existence, not even non-existence can exist, therefore
contradicting and eliminating itself. Thus why I coin the term "negative
existence" as it is "less than not existing." In this realm, such concepts as
non-existence and infinity may exist, applying themselves situationally, and
disappearing where otherwise suitable. This allows for situations that would
otherwise cause a paradox if infinity didn't exist -- such as infinite loops --
allows the foundations of thought and knowledge to remain, and can still account
for the discrepancies of infinity in our known world (such as motion). Without
this 3rd state of existing, we might as well throw out all logic and reason due
to situations such as the above stated on non-existence. While the actual
characteristics of this 3rd state of being do not need to be discussed here
(possibly a topic for another discussion?), its existence does not contradict my
original statement that infinity does not exist -- if you consider existence to
be "positively existing."

I hold my argument to be just as valid as Zeno's, though whether one holds
either argument as sound is entirely a subjective opinion. Thus, my mission is
accomplished, as I have logically argued against Zeno's experiment and come up
with a solution of my own that uses reason and logic to explain the way the
universe functions.



She's still yet to respond, and I'm still yet to polish it. So meh. Over and out, roger dodger.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Subject:Subject? Subject?! We don't need your stinkin subject!
Time:1:16 am.
Mood: tired.
Sweet jumpin' junipers is it ever cold... lemme get a fire started before I keep writing...

Of course the lighters are all empty or not working. Oh well, I found some matches, so whatever.

So let's see. I don't really know why I'm writing in this. Maybe it's because I feel guilty about my last entry and not having kept my promises. Maybe it's because this is a way for me to keep avoiding any work. Maybe-- I don't fucking know. Fuck it.

Sorry. I don't mean to swear like that. It's not necessary. I'll try to be civilized.

So let's see. Second quarter, freshman year. Calculus is a complete drag. I never thought I'd actually be reading a calculus book. I mean, I haven't, but I need to if I have any intention of passing this course. Oh well, at least the worksheets and lectures are easy, considering I've done this all already. It's just a matter of definitions and terms that the book conforms to that I haven't been taught. Which means I have to work at something I've already worked at, which sucks.

Computer Science is cool. I like the lecturer. I like the TA. I like the people in my section. But tonight I was remembered of the drudgery and monotany in learning to program. It's Java, so it's like a "Lite Industrial Strength Language". Oh well, it could be worse. It could be C, I could be learning it in a week, and the professors could suck.

And before I break this train of thought with the shit running through-- sorry about that four letter comment again-- my head, I'd better also comment on Philosophy of Science. Cool course concept. I love the professor. The reading isn't that bad. Issue: the TA's and some of the students. First, the TA's all band together into this one mindset, offering no diversity in thought. Their sectionals follow the readings and the lectures almost exactly, so it's almost pointless for me to show up if it weren't for announcements and a participation grade. Yet, at the same time, their oppinions contradict that of the professor, almost to a political, liberal-vs-conservative sense. I don't know, they're getting on my nerves. But I sent the professor an e-mail about using deductive reasoning to disprove infinity which she was really impressed by, and I had a fairly lengthly conversation with her and Rachel (who's cool, and in my sectional) on Thursday after class that I think all parties seemed to enjoy. I guess if it were just the lectures for four days a week rather than the sectionals, I'd be much happier.

I'll be back again in a minute...

Nevermind. I was going to do something about this stupid growth on my thumb, but then I remembered that I'm going into the doctor on tuesday to get a mole on the back of my neck removed, and was going to ask about it then. It wasn't a problem til last weekend I finally got a razor and decided to cut my hair myself. I didn't notice anything wrong until I got out the other razor to clean up all the "fuzzies" on my neck and stuff, that I saw the blood that was on it. Apparently, this mole is raised, and I partly ripped it off with my razor. I honestly didn't feel a thing. Oh well, off to the doctor again.

Speaking of which, I think this might be another year that my family meets their medical insurance quota in January. Yeah, before break even started, I was sick. I went into the emergency ward Christmas Eve, waited about 2 hours for them to tell me that I had a double ear infection and a possible sinus infection (they didn't bother checking, antibiotics are antibiotics). So after I was done with that set of antibiotics, I was still sick, so I went to the doctor again the next week. Apparently, I also had bronchitis, and was put on new medicine. Yay for me! For the record: I'm still not well. Anyways, that's 3 doctor visits in less than 4 weeks. Go me! Also been thinking about a psychologist and physical therapist, but still holding pretty stoically to my convictions against such things. However, I've gotta get my lung to at least stop feeling like it's going to collapse every time I cough...

I guess I just want to make a slight interjection and say just how absolutely amazing some people are:

http://www.m90.org/view_image.php?image_id=1570

http://209.211.248.144/reel-media-fast.html

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/crazyflips.html

You know, maybe that's the secret. Cultivate the body rather than the mind. Build the spirit and the body, and keep the mind only for what supports that. Fuck this "pursuit of knowledge" and what not. I mean, a great deal of philosophers will just tell you it's a sham. Science isn't based on fact, motion is impossible, your existence is subjective... why not? Ironically, my brain tells me different.


Oh well... let's not get into this. It's late. Maybe I'll post again later. Maybe not. Period.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, December 6th, 2004

Subject:Well, here I am, back again...
Time:12:09 am.
Mood: morose.
*dusts off the old journal, gives it a little blow, and hunkers down*

Well... let's see... this brings back some memories...

"Sometimes you have to step back to see the whole picture in front of you." -Me

Makes a lot of sense, right? Think of life as a long journey, one that will take you to many different places in your time, and where you go will depend on the decisions you make. When you have a decision to make, think of it as an intersection in a road with multiple paths. The path you take is your decision, and will affect your journey as a whole. Sometimes paths lead to dead ends, and you have to backtrack, sometimes certain paths will be blocked off ahead of you, and some become blocked off once you pass, being unable to backtrack through them and unable to reach a previous junction without approaching from a new path. You only have so much time on this journey, and when that time is up, no matter how far you got on your journey, it ends. This frightens some people, and they rush headlong from junction to junction, only running on instinct and barely glancing at their possibilities before they move on, and they end up going down those dark and scary wooded paths, or the dangerous mine shafts. Sometimes, when you walk too far into a clearing, you can't see every path ahead of you, and maybe you just have to take a step or so back to be able to see all of those paths. Sure, you may not get as far as some other person, but so what? What's farther up that path that's so much better than the earlier parts of the path? I mean, are you going to gloat in your last moments that you're ahead of someone else, even though it was a long, dangerous, hurried path with little meaning and substance other than distance? Great, you just beat me at some competition I didn't even care about or even directly take part in. And your glory would, at best, only last a few moments, as then you will die, assuming you slow down enough to check your time and see that it's up.

That's where I'm at right now. I've just become unattached, and have been wandering aimlessly and mindlessly through this foggy forest maze. Snapping out of that dream like state, I don't know where I am, and I'm starting to back-track to gain some bearings in this shifty, unsure land that I've come to find myself in. Today I started thinking about things and looking at things from Junior High and a little bit of High School. These seemed to be much simpler times, when people were lost and confused, looking for direction, and I knew where I was going, I had a plan, and things were clear. Now, I'm lost, and everyone around me is seeming to find where they're going or has a plan of their own. What happened in that short period of time? Where did I start to get lost? What went wrong? Was all this confusion just generated over the summer? Could it be I got this lost in that short of a time?

I put on some old music. I played "My Enemy" by Shapeshifter. That hurt. It struck a nerve that evoked memories of the past, which pained me. I liked it. I needed it. I started putting on music that I listened to years ago. Three Hour Midnight, Taproot, Sneaker Pimps, Finger 11, Puddle of Mudd, Spinfire. I went from the bottom of my list to the top of my list. I got to Lit, Matthew Goode Band, Incubus, and kept moving up to American Hi-Fi, Bush, and Alien Ant Farm. Each song generating more and more memories, memories of people I once knew, people I loved and cared for, that I don't even know who they are, where they are, what they're doing, or anything. People from school, people from the internet, people from just places I went to. Then I hit the coup de grace: 311. That reminded me of... well... if she's reading this, she knows who she is. Ah, if there was ever a love that could not be...

And then all these memories, these feelings, these emotions, these experiences just came rushing back to me. Had I been alone, I would've cried. I realized how calloused I've become. Back then, before, whenever this time was, I didn't understand just what it was that I wanted to become. I thought I was cold, I thought I was unfeeling, I thought I was calloused, but I still had PASSION. I started looking back on all the things I wrote, I drew, I did. They all had feeling, and sensation, and an actual passion for them. Now, at best, I feel only spite, malice, loathing, and an insidious devilishness, when I feel anything at all. I dug up those old writings, things I did for school, things I wrote on this journal, old forum posts, old conversations, everything. Even those crappy drawings I did, doodles on the backs of binders, pen on a sheet of notebook paper, really crappy collages when I was starting to use photoshop. They all had some driving feeling or emotion behind them. When creating them, I would put my whole being into them, dive into their creation and be consumed by it, and when finished, those works would take a piece of me with them. There was no emberassment, and I could splay myself open and show myself to the world (well... I didn't allow the world to ACCESS any of it, but if they had...). Now I look at my current works. Cold, technical, without feelings. My interaction with people tend to be minimal, without exchanging any emotion towards the person, just conversing for the sake of exchanging information. I may have grown in skill, but where I've grown in mind and body, I've let my soul atrophy. Now I am beginning to understand the true sense of emptiness, of being passionless, of walking with a frozen heart and no soul.

What happened?

In all my art works, I strive for realism, not the message, not the experience, not the feelings provoked by the work, but just how technically accurate and correct my pieces could be. Sure, developing my skills to enhance my ability to convey myself is important, but I've lost sight of the whole idea of art. And my writings, which are limited to the essays I do for school, are purely cut-and-past gab that anyone that knows how to produce the proper form of the essay can do. It has no feeling in it. It's just done to be done and get the grade. I have no drive to do it other than the grade. I'm not inquisitive, not exploratory, just cold, direct, and shallow.

I've dug up some year books. Put up some wallpaper on my computer that's remeniscent of my teen years, and taken a look at some of my old websites. I think it's time for me to take a bit of a backtrack on my journey, look around, and decide a new path for me to take. Fortunately, the end of the quarter is coming up, marking holiday break, so that should give me a chance to revisit my past and start looking at what went wrong, if anything, and finding myself, and if I find I don't like myself, who I want to be and how I can get there.


*Phew* Anyways, it's almost 1 am, and I still have a charcoal drawing to start and finish, and then get up at 5:15... so I think I'm going to go and get to work. Maybe this time I'll do something a little more intimate, and put myself a bit into it, rather than getting it done just to practice a technique and get a grade.

Anyone who's reading this who I haven't talked to in a while, post a reply, send me an e-mail, yell at me on an IM, gimme a call, write me a letter, whatever. I want to catch up! And I think it's time that I make some time to catch up. And I hope I start using this journal again, for whatever reasons I may find a use for in the future...
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, January 18th, 2003

Subject:Damnit, i'm doing a new entry for this
Time:8:57 pm.
from frij and indy (if anyone actually reads this, check my friends page, i'm lazy)

1. When did you first begin watching anime?
um, many many moons ago... couple years, like 7?

2. What was the first anime you ever watched?
Dragon Ball. I'd get up every sunday morning for it.

3. What is your current favorite anime?
Umm, i dunno, Trigun?

4. What is your all-time favorite anime?
Neongenesis Evangelion or Jin-Roh (they made me actually think. kinda hard to do)

5. What is your least favorite anime?
The old gundam series... well, most gundam series in general.

6. Who is/are your favorite anime character(s)?
well, if we were including manga, then Lone Wolf and Cub. Otherwise... the love child of Vash the Stampede and Spike Speigel.

7. Who is/are your least favorite anime character(s)?
Asuka Langly in the dubbed version, or basically the entire female cast of DBZ

8. Who is your favorite seiyuu?
Megumi Hayashibara (going with frij)

9. Who is your favorite english voice actor?
Johnny Bosh, just because I met him and he's a cool guy.

10. Do you prefer subs or dubs?
Umm, usually Dubs cuz i'm lazy, but the occasional sub doesn't hurt.

11. What is the best dub you've ever seen?
I don't pay attention enough to really say...

12. What is the worst dub you've ever seen?
see 11

13. What anime character do you resemble physically?
uh... i dunno. No one i guess. My hair's kinda too short...

15. What is your favorite anime opening song?
Through the Night from Outlaw Star, though Tank and Cruel Angel Thesis and the intro for Excel Saga aren't bad, either.

16. What is your favorite anime ending song?
umm, i dunno

17. Who is your favorite anime hero/heroine?
Once again, Lone Wolf and Cub. But since this is anime... The girls from Gunsmith Cats (they crack me up)

18. Who is your favorite anime villain?
Raven from Zoids: Chaotic Century (reminds me of me i guess).

19. What was the last anime you saw/bought?
Saw: End of Evangelion. Bought: the second DVD in the trigun series

20. What's the most you've ever paid for a piece of anime merchandise?
$120 for the Evangelion series on DVD (it was on sale!). the same day i also bought a VHS boxed set of Cowboy Bebop for 100 bucks. I was busy the next week... :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:woohoo!!!
Time:8:04 pm.
Mood: hyper.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
yo
Scott says:
hey
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
what's goin on?
Scott says:
pouring over Blues News, seeing what I can't salvage for a possible redo for TheWarp.. to make it more community/news driven than it is now.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
news as in current world news, or say as in wargaming stuff?
Scott says:
wargaming stuff. along with Roleplaying, computer gaming (somewhat), and perhaps a little entertainment stuff.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
very, very cool
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
so you're in a warp-head mood, good...
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
cuz last time i forgot to throw my pitch your way and have heard nothing but crap for it...
Scott says:
your pitch?
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
yeah... you know how por... the p-place... has misfire comics?
Scott says:
you mean Portent
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
yeah
Scott says:
of course yes.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
well... you see... my friend is writing/drawing a gaming comic, and i'm inking/coloring it. it's gonna deal with warhammer (definitely 40k, prolly some FB), D&D, videogames, whatever games we might come across, and maybe some every day real life stuff for shits and giggles
Scott says:
and you want TheWarp to run it?
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
but... well... before we went scrounging around keenspace or comics.com we wanted to ask you...
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
kinda, you know, to be on the "cutting edge" kinda
Scott says:
I'd need to see it first.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
well yeah, definitely
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
we're not even done with the first batch. he's gotta give me the first ten, and then i gotta ink them and all. but i mean, it's pretty near launching time
Scott says:
ok. Well, send me the first three or four, and I'll make a decision. I can tell you though that you're probaby already in the bag, so don't sweat it.
Scott says:
I'll be brutally honest, though, so be prepared.
Gabriel the cold blooded says:
that's cool. i know you enough that that's expected


Woohoo!!! Score, go me, booyaka, oh yeah, whose da shit?, word up, oh yeah, BOOMSHAKALAKALAKA!!!

*phew* okay, done. Yeah, whose gonna get us webspace on the only wargames website that matters? Me. Yeah, that's right.

aaaaaaaanywho... it's been weeks? months? while, yeah...

umm, I figured out something cool. Apparently, whenever i am having trouble resisting potential relationship material (aka, girls i like), i figured out how to be apathetic again. All i have to do is think about them erotically, and bam, nothing. I've even gotten to the point where i want to just hurt them. Kinda sad, huh? Oh well, way of the warrior I guess...

Umm, i got the average day pretty much figured out down to a routine now. Morning: go get books, hang with the last year friends that i have no classes with, class, options go to library, class, lunch eat cookie and then either stay at table or go to locker, class, home. then do homework, work, whatever else i have to til generally 6 or later (after dinner) and play socom til bed. that's my day. that's it. boring, huh?


Oh right, and i don't remember if I told you i got the whole Heather thing resolved. She pretty much avoids me now. Whatever. Too bad, now there's ANOTHER Heather. Dammit, I just can't win >_<. Anyways, it's cool because I think that one's pretty much protected: She's older, she's got a BF, and i think her friend would try to keep her away from me if i started taking up too much of her attention. Still, it's a pain in the ass... and that's what i said about the other Heather (except substitute older with younger...).


Oh, right, and i need a new resolution: stop eating jelly bellys by the pound.

Anyways, i need to go finish my chem homework so i can go play more socom. toodles!
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, January 2nd, 2003

Subject:need sleep...
Time:10:37 pm.
Ouch. Just finished the archive of Dork Tower, from 2001 to present. Eyes kinda hurt. Though, it did answer why i don't write about my life in this nifty journal Indy gave me a code for (mad propz to her still): i don't have a life.


Eesh, i do feel the need to vent a bit though. First off, girls suck. One minute i just wanna live alone, solitary, being a bachaelor for a very short, fast life. The next minute some girl enters into my mind, and i just want to hold her in my arms and love her until the world collapses and we all die of poverty and self-destruction. ARGH! I feel like that one episode of Dexter's laboratory when he invents the reverse belt, and starts falling down, then falling up, then down, up, down, up, AAAHH! It really burns me up!


Then, of course, there's my recent slacking in the homework category. Let's see, i got a sentence (that i'll probably end up deleting) down for my spanish essay. I didn't get enough questions for my history project. I'm putting my book evaluation off for another week and a half. I'm ignoring my english paper entirely. I mean, i WANT to do these things, but i just sit here and think about doing them, not actually doing them.


And then, of course, i keep turning rapidly into what i despise most. Usually these things are slow, and take time. Recently, though, when i'm around my parents, i act very much akin to them. Before i was all the way through catcher in the rye, my inner monologue was already sounding like holden. I'm becoming a rapid hypocrite in general, and it's scary because i feel that my theories on my life acceleration seem to keep proving true. It's just this rapid blur, and i figure by the time i'm 22, i should be dead because i'll be living like i was 104! Eesh... don't ask.


no, just need sleep. Sleep will come... soon...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 30th, 2002

Subject:eh...
Time:11:15 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Lose yourself, find yourself, rinse, repeat. This is my infinite, this is my singular constant, this is my last tie with reality. More rapid than the seasons themselves, faster than the months go by, even quicker than the weeks tick away, i change. One being comes to a closing, only to birth a new existence. I can never be one in the same person, not even many layers covering eachother like a jawbreaker. I am fickle, i am flickering, i am human, and i am inhuman. I am Jack's blank stare. Though existent, empty in its nothingness.

So the cycle begins again. After reading a piece of his work on civil-disobedience, i feel compelled to compare myself to Thoreau. At least my writing anyways. He writes in clouds almost, as if creating this surreal burst of pure sensation. He speaks with a fire of the travesties that make our society, and of heavenly lands that we can grasp in our hands. But he writes sweet nothings, as they are just empty whispers in the wind. He takes all these wonderous ideas and does them justice in their description, but he just can't apply them in any way. He speaks of a better government, but what should it be like? He speaks of the flaws in logic and greatness of instict, but doesn't define such broad subjects and their situational timing. thoreau, who i once held gently so very high up, is nothing but a hypocritical snob on a power trip. He speaks against logic, using logic in doing so. He speaks of taking action, yet does nothing himself. His truth is staring him in the eye, and he is so very blind. I am Jack's clouded mind.

My mind has been wandering a great deal lately. The important things, i just seem to can't concentrate on; and the mundane things i ignore almost completely. I've been dreaming nothing, and accomplishing similar. So much to do, so much to say, can't keep my head straight, take it all away. I am Jack's ADD.

I've taken on the ideal "If you live for nothing, you have nothing to lose." Once i was again exposed to social interaction, i seem to have found myself at a time of weekness. Two months, i trip and stumble outside of my icy sanctuary, and i find what little i have built turn to dust in my fingers. Live, love, feel; it all leads to pain. Without living, without love, you cannot feel pain. I remember my shell, and i regress into it. I am Jack's icy shoulder.

I hold a new value to my body and my appearance. A mirror has actual importance beyond hygeine. I no longer push myself for myself, but for approval. I throw away my simplicity just to complicate things. I hate the hypocricy, i hate the lies, and i hate all of it. I am Jack's vain reflection.

I can't sleep. I don't eat. I don't think. I don't unwind the twisting knot of my whole. I am Jack's last straw...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 19th, 2002

Time:11:44 am.
chaossaber/nne/camero.gif" width="300" height="100" border="0">

which nova next exit guy are you?


blah, i just wanted to put that in cuz i thought it was cool. i should be off to the mall later today (*gasp* actually going outside!) so i might update again later... doubt it though.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2002

Subject:ugh
Time:4:21 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
i had the weirdest friggin dream this morning. okay, there i was, first day of school... but it wasn't my school. it was kinda a mix of it, my junior high, and my own mind i guess. i went to my first period class a little early, you know, find out who's all there. it was a large part my english class last year (that's why i'm assuming it was english). it was weird, cuz Lil was there, though, and so was Sara. we talked, and it felt like we were catching up for forever, but it really looked more like a few seconds. then, they left (i'm not quite sure why they were there). then, lo and behold, who was my teacher, but my retired 7th grade math teacher. that confused the hell out of me. and instead of going and sitting with Jon like i do every day, i was invited in with the "popular people" that half of them i hate, and the other half i just let go about their business. infact, i sat right between Annie and Jason... it was weird. So, that period went in fast forward, and off to second period.

This is where stuff got weird. My second period was out in the parking lot, some sort of odd driving type thing. I got in the back, and who were in the front seats? well, in the passenger seats, there was Matt, but he graduated, so it's weird. The driver was... get this... Brad Pitt, lookin like he did sorta in fight club (more the beginning than the end). I was of course flippin out at first, but then we kinda got down the road, and i started to space out. Then, i snapped out of it, and i was on a corner of an intersection, not knowing how i got there. I looked around, and then appearing before me, was an angelic figure. i couldn't really see her (it was a her, yes) very well, though. She touched my forehead, and uttered the strangest words, "My gift to you, is a memory." The fsck is that all about? Anyways, it was the most AMAZING rush i've ever felt, it was better than orgasmic, i can't even explain it. From the top of my head where she touched me to my toes shot this wave of iridecent blue energy, and it was like i was infused with power. I fell over backwards, and looking up from my back, i saw a car kinda pulled over, a woman and a daughter about my age staring at me. I came up to the door, and the woman asked if i needed a ride (to school). I said sure, and i was kinda still in nirvana, recoiling from the whole experience. The woman asked if i was okay, and if she should drive me home or something, and is said i was fine. Then, i all the sudden got the WORST headache ever, it was as if my head was actually changing shape, the pounding was excrutiating. I decided maybe i should go home, and she drove me home... though not quite my home. It wasn't my home at all, but my mom was there. That's when, in real life, my mom woke me up. I was pretty fuzzy all morning, totally out of it, even during work (i had to go clean my friend's back yard for his parents, cuz he's "too busy").

Anyways, that was weird, but here's the catch: This is the first dream i can really remember in about 10 years. And this is the only dream i could remember that wasn't a nightmare (litteral nightmare, death, destruction, horror, so on). "My gift to you, a memory"... makes me wonder...


Anyways, other than that, i've been pretty shitty for some reason or another all day. Riley stood me up at Chris', so i had to work alone, which was annoying. But hey, that's 30 bucks i got that he didn't, which i guess is cool by me.


More recently, though, i just ate an entire pack of pixy stix to see if that would make me feel better, and all that got me is these damn hands that won't stop shaking! Though, for some reason, the twitch motion has really sped up my typing (and not really made my spelling that bad).


Oh well, until i have another freak out i guess, see ya.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, July 15th, 2002

Time:3:47 pm.

:: how jedi are you? ::



Dork Test
Ding ding ding! We have a winner! You're a dork. You knew that. You know a lot of random stuff actually...You probably know what a male duck is called, and no, it's not a duck. I bet you tell "I'm a big dork" stories on a fairly regular basis. You're a member of Alpha Beta Needa Data. But what makes you cool (in your own sort of way) anyway is that you take all of this with a sense of humor. You know full well there's nothing wrong with being a little strange; you wouldn't have it any other way. That's pretty respectable. Even if your socks don't really match, if you look at 'em up close. But who's going to be looking that close at your socks anyway, right? So take pride in your dorkiness. You rock.



blah, i should go clean my room -_-'
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Thursday, June 27th, 2002

Subject:Long time no see old friend...
Time:10:43 pm.
Mood: discontent.
Wow... been a while I suppose. I would be surprised if anyone still has me linked...


Anyways, meh, what the hell, I'm not tired and have nothing better to do...


Right. So it's summer. Frigged up my left hand, so I can't train, and I can't go to Amtgard this weekend (explained later... maybe). Not like I would go and train anyways... no motivation. I've done nothing. I've played a game each w/ 2 of my friends... had some D&D buddies over (even though we just played Smash Bros. the entire time...)... and... basically sat on my arse.

Everything's such a blur these days. It's like... the wind has picked up... and it's blowing the background away with it right on past me. The going is slow, I get bored pretty fast... but I just can't recall anything that happened, or has happened. Maybe that's 'cuz there's nothin to recall... it's weird.

The sound of his panting was drowned out completely by the gibbering laugh of those demons that had given him chase. He could feel the snap of those jaws vibrate through his entire being as their hounds leapt and clawed for him. The voice in the back of his head was screaming at him to run faster, to get away, to be safe; but his body said to lie down and forget about it. The brambles and brush tore into his legs, blood soaking his socks; the thorny branches of the gnarled trees whipped him in the face, leaving welts and cuts all over his head. Just one stumble, already so many before, and they would be on him. And as the icy wrap of death looked all the better, he ran... he didn't know why, but he just kept running. Those glowing eyes were all around him, the flames of their torches dancing on their twisted weapons, and flickering off the faces of the mongrel beasts. Completely insignificant, yet given chase like he controlled time and space, he pushed on. The darkness around his vision wasn't the night sky anymore, but his will giving out. What's going to happen now...?


I made that up... right.


No... I'll talk about amtgard another day...
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, June 3rd, 2002

Time:8:34 pm.
Mood: confused.
Okay, I'm a wee bit angry cuz LJ just screwed my last post, so this one is gonna be really sloppy and a lot shorter. Not happy with that.

Okay, so right... Well i guess we'll start with goin to riley'. Both he and i were mad cuz kev and chris decided to watch zoolander instead of play a game, and said it was too late afterwards, even though we all stayed up for like another 4 hours. Grr, missing both D&D and 40k in one week is bad for the Archangel of Pain...

But i did get to see megan before she left for Kentucky for the summer, so that was really really sweet. It was all woohoo and what not.

Oh, and yeah, this is cool: I'm goin to Italy next spring vacation! Miss Thompson, the coolest english teacher in the world, pulled me aside after class and told me that she and another teacher were going to invite like 20 of their best students to go on a trip to Italy, and she wanted me to go. She's gonna gimme the info tomorrow, but I already asked my mom, and she said yes. I am so psyched! Italy is so great!!!

Anyways, onto the confusing part of the entry. First i'm told that i'm not to know love in life. That's cool, cuz there's other stuff, and it's compensated for anwyays. Great. But now i'm being told that i have to embrace love, to follow my heart, and to have courage in my endeavours as it will bring me to greater things. Follow my heart? My heart and my mind say two different things, and i don't know which to follow anymore. The mind is deceiving to itself, but the heart is weak... and right now i'm torn and worn from head to toe. Nothing makes much sense anymore. Following my heart and having courage would break everything, but to stand alone would change everything, too. I'm told i need to be alone, then i'm told i need to be together... it's just so confusing! I don't know anymore, i'm just so lost... maybe i can just burn out... that'd be nice...


oh yeah, Try to beat my high score! It's 88 (for ppl at IP: yes, i thought that was pretty funny, too...)
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 28th, 2002

Subject:ouchu
Time:8:48 pm.
Mood: sore.
Well, today was quite uneventful. Did next to nothing. School is definetly winding down...

Well, didn't make much progress on the whole searching thing. I didn't even get consultation, and my parents are coming home tonight! *sigh* oh well.

Did go over to my friend's Sunday. That was entertaining. We played 40k from 7pm - 1am. then again, we left for my house twice, once in car, once on bikes. My friend and I were arguing over which book he let me borrow, and the car was out, so we just rode our bikes over. My tailbone hasn't recovered from it yet, and he was right, which just added insult to injury. But it was fun. We watched Momento after the game, then I got a VERY disturbed 8 hours of sleep. (speaking of which, almost out of sleeping pills...)

Main reason for me to write this: me whining about physical pains. My arm feels like every single strand of muscle fiber is just tearing apart, degrading into useless mush. I can't even fully extend it, then shooting pains occur all down my right, upper body. Then again, it could be connected to my spinal chord, cuz I think i cracked my neck like 12 times today, and my back viciously about 17 times. The popping has even gotten to me. I think i should go see my mom's chiropractor... maybe... probably not... *cracks neck*

This added some light hearted humor to my life

Oh well, saw Gunsmith Cats after school (very cool) and hoping to stay up tonight to watch Blue Seed (also very cool), so i should be off...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, May 25th, 2002

Time:10:59 pm.
Mood: tired.
Ugh, so easy to waste a day...


I got 14 hours of sleep last night, and I'm STILL freakin tired... gah. I think I shall crash hard tonight.

Go here very funny.

Man, Friday was fun! Half day at school, so basically no work, and long game club. Yay for geekage. Fell on my arse jumping the bushes, need to stop doing that. But we had a team tourney in SSBM (which Jon and i rocked in, just kinda lost the one that mattered (though won the post games, grrr)). Also played 6 vs 6 lan of Halo. I still hate X-box, but i hafta admit, that was insane! Fun stuff. And got to hang with Milton and Cid again, which is also very cool.

Ugh, my parents are gone this weekend. Maybe now I'll have time to figure things out without them hounding me... grrr... I REALLY gotta get my head on straight...

i'd also like to add


Take the test!
Made by Draco Centaur of Solar Hiroba.


I&apos;mthe GREEN LIGHTSABER!
Comments: Read 12 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002

Subject:wtf...
Time:6:36 pm.
Mood: lonely.
I'm so confused...

Every woman I've ever found attractive now looks completely repulsive to me now. No, no one else looks attractive either, I looked to be sure. Not other girls, not guys, not even animals (hey, it's been known to happen in ppl)... nothin. Now, if this were just today, I wouldn't be so worried, but this has been going on for the past week or so. Other people just don't seem so inviting anymore, and almost down right repulsive. Heck, even Jules Asner, the loveliest woman alive, just seems to not even appeal to me anymore. I have no idea what this all means... gah! Maybe I've finally hit a new level in my quest... just... it's so early.


On another note, I need to berate Peter tomorrow. I mean, how immature is drawing on the back of someone's neck? Grrrr...


Oh well, time for science. Mr. Gallagher's comin back tomorrow to sub. Yay! ^_^
Comments: Read 9 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, May 19th, 2002

Time:2:39 pm.
Mood: cynical.
it's funny. i woke up today feelin pretty good. i spent the night at my friend's, all we did was play hexen and turok all night. it was really pathetic, so it was funny.


now, though, that i've gotten back online, back to my life, i feel like shit. i haven't even said anything about Blu, which makes me feel like a bastard. I'm really happy she's back, it's awesome, but i just can't even say anything to her; i don't know why.

i finally have time now, stupid project over and all... maybe it's time i stopped wasting it...


anyone who actually cares, i'll be gone a while, cya all later... maybe...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 7th, 2002

Subject:awww fsckit...
Time:10:32 pm.
Mood: crappy.
i dunno... i was just thinking.... maybe i should write an entry.... why not?

hmm... i need to sharpen my knife... the edge is getting really jagged and doesn't cut as clean anymore... the line on my palm is all twisty... maybe tomorrow.

god, that's all i say, maybe tomorrow. let's put off until later what we could do now. it's nice to be sorta laid back, but there is a line... snap, pop, crack... that line breaks as easy as a rotten tree limb as you fall... falling through the branches, nothing to catch you as the wolf opens his mouth awaiting his meal at the bottom...

shink... tink... plink... the shards of glass falling... i see it moving, but standing still... the world slows, everything's in view but nothing's clear... and the beautiful breaking noise as the light shimmers and plays on the fragments... our promises break as easy as glass... i'm so sorry but i can't...


ugh, i just had another "i don't give a rat's ass day" today. i came home and crashed for 3 hours. i was still wearing all my clothes and stuff and i was under all my covers. i woke up hot, sweaty, congested and sleepy when my sister finally got home and yelled at me. that was fun... i guess. though i did sacrifice time i could be doing the things i need to, like do my science project, paint, or watch all that damn anime i bought. eh...


too many coincidences occuring lately. it's weird. people, things, relationships, etc. the latest one is people finding relationships. she found someone, she found someone, he found someone, she had someone, she found someone... i'm worried in this recent trend it will come back to me. it almost has started to... i caught myself afterwards on monday being a total flirt.... gah! i can't break my convictions... not again... not again... i need to strengthen them... i've worked too hard...


ugh. it's fun being mysterious. multiple identities, it's fun. you see the world from so many perspectives. you can gain so much insight if you look from different angles. just be someone else, or other people even better, and then oepn your senses to the world and just be. question everything, and don't stop until it makes something beautiful. knowledge is power, and but wisdom is infinite.

but this also spawns another of my problems. i still feel like shinji. i don't know who the hell i am. i don't know what i am, where i fit, what i'm doing. just this formless, blank waste of space. i need to find me still. i need to be able to see myself. i need my own reality... i've lost site of reality... i don't have my own world where i can control things... i'm just out of control, random and sporadic. from here to there in the blink of an eye, but i take forever to put that next foot in front of the other.


ugh... i just need the next 2 weeks to be OVER. maybe then i can just relax and do all this shit...

take it away... stop it... i don't want it... i shouldn't be here... BAM!
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, April 30th, 2002

Subject:good lord!
Time:7:39 pm.
man, do i hafta find myself whereever i go? just all these freaking resemblences of me. maybe i'm not as weird as i thought... hmmm...


well, this should explain my ponderings, the latest Ian Comix

creepiness...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, April 29th, 2002

Subject:Fallen Angel
Time:10:49 pm.
Mood: weird.
I feel like Rei. seriously. i finally got around to watching eps 5-8 of eva today (i have the whole series, i got a ways to go...), and i swear, she reminds me of me. She's just this cold, hard, savage warrior who thinks about nothing but doing her job. She's generally looked upon as an outsider and others usually only come to her for serious help, otherwise just leave her alone. She does find a few people that she can trust though, and do honestly care about her, and she is happy to be around them. that's me in a nut shell.

so i dedicate this entry to Rei, cuz she's me.



not much else happening in my life. WASL testing and what not still. i think we have the science one tomorrow. i figured i'd get that done pretty fast. i really don't care about it. then i can finish my ONE question in math and ONE question in science i had as my homework for tonight that i didn't do cuz i got online and watched eva. oh well, it works.
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Sunday, April 28th, 2002

Subject:FWEEEE!!!
Time:8:05 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
yay! this is gonna be one of those psycho cheerleader stupid air head posts. if you don't wanna read it, just a warning ahead of time.


okay, so my friend... call him J, and i decided to go to Sakuracon yesterday. so i get up at SIX am and we're out of the door by 6:30. we get to the con by 7 (it's far away), and my dad just drops us off and says have fun. there were like 10 other ppl there, half of them preregistered. we were SO far up front. after 2 hours of waiting outside in the cold and rain, we were let in. we even passed the people ahead of us to fill out the registration form, and so we were first in line to pick up our passes. well, APPARENTLY, you need a parent or guardian to ATTEND the fscking con with you. well, my dad had gone diving, so i had to call my mom. she comes.

well, on her way, i get another call (i had my mom's cell phone (this is important later)). it's my dad. he is just FUMING at me. my mom had left a message on his cell basically bitching him out for leaving us. he yells at me on the phone infront of J and everyone for like 10 minutes straight. he ends it "Have your mom fscking call me when she gets there so she can just unload on me all at once." well, that pissed me off. but J and i decided to get back in line anyways. maybe my mom would just get us a pass and then go in and leave (she couldn't stay, she was hosting a beading party show thing).

well, luck will have it, my mom finally came, we saw her car from the intersection (you can't miss it, trust me) and she didn't make the right turn and got lost! i was like GRRRRRRRRRR!!! so i went out to see if she came back. well, two of my other friends come up the stairs behind me. call them M and T. well, they're here with T's mom. so she offers to be me and J's adult for the day, too. my mom finally got there, and J was in line already up front, so my mom talked to T's mom, and it was cool, and the four of us went in after FOUR HOURS!!! oh well, it was made up for several fold. i also told my mom that my dad was mad, and she said "oh don't worry about that. he won't be mad at all soon enough" that made me giggle ^_^

well, we get in there, and right off the bat we enter the main hall. there's a kenpo demonstatration goin on.those guys are CRAZY! i couldn't even follow their movements! but they wanted to go, so i had to. J decided to ownz up on the vid game hall at some super smash brothers (he died once in 5 hours or so of play. i think ownzing would be the right word...), and T and M and i all decided to hit the exhibitor's hall before all the good stuff was gone! i got some great deals. i picked up BOTH the DVD box set of evagelion AND the vhs box set for cowboy bebop (they didn't have DVD :() and BOTH were on sale! i was SO psyched. i even had money left to pick up the first novel of "Lone Wolf and Cub" (which i recomend everyone to check out) and get my very own bokken!! they had three left, and they kinda all sucked (lotsa scarring). the guy decided he liked me "You know, come here, lemme tell you something. I've been waiting for someone with a respect for detail to come along. I've been saving these two, come here and take a look at them". the weren't big hoaxes cuz they were no more expensive and he was quite right, they were MUCH better than any of the other ones he had. i was way happy ^_^.

then, i was tired, so i went into the main hall and check out what was goin on. well, they had a presentation with Johnny Bosh. i was totally clueless, but it was a seat, so i checked it out anyways. turns out this guy was the voice of Vash the Stampede, Kaneda (akira), AND he was a power ranger (he got crap for that one, lol). it was really cool. he was INSANELY funny. he had no clue what the heck he was doin up there, he was just wingin it, and he did awesome. it was basically a big Q&A session. he's REALLY funny. not only that, but he's cool and nice and he did both vash's "For love and peace!" and the laugh he does in the first episode that's like "keeyahahahahahaha". everyone was just smilin and laughing and stuff, it was so funny. he was even makin fun of the guy outside the door that kept just starin in (he was at a booth). "dude, come on over, don't be shy" "man, i dunno about these guys in here. they're makin all these crazy noises and stuff". it was really really great.

then i started watching metropolis, but i couldn't see the subtitles, so i went to go find everyone. i found another movie room and went in. they had some crazy anime that i can't remmeber the name of, but it was really really funny. they had this kid who wore a daisy costum and kept bangin his head against stuff until it bled, this girl in a magical flying fish costume, and another girl that wore living ribbons (that kept... moving... and.. well... revealing her). then, it was the excel saga! okay, for all of you who haven't heard of it, CHECK IT OUT! it's just pointless slapstick. in the first ten minutes, the main character dies THREE TIMES! successively!! first, she got hit by a bus, then shot with a handgun, and then blow up by a rocket. i was laughing SO hard. then my dad called (my mom was right, he WASN'T mad ^_^ heh, he got his cookies).

after a while, i had a corndog and met up with my friends. we went back to the exhibitor's hall and bought some more stuff (i was tapped) and then we went down and watched some more anime. in 3 hours, we saw love hina (hilarious) ronin warriors (power rangers on crack) and soul taker (stupid). also, between them, we also got to watch this little clip anime that was like 10 minute episodes called "ikeru fugari" i think. it was SO funny, omg. that was the entire reason we sat through ronin warriors and soul taker, was to watch that. omg, just.. insanity. it was like the "mature" version of love hina. we actually were supposed to go watch the cosplay contest, but decided none of us wanted to get up, so we just sat there watchin anime.

we went home at like 9 finally. we all decided next year we were sharin rooms and gonna stay all weekend! we even figured out that we could all preregister adult passes, have J's brother pick them up for us, and then stay all weekend with those! then we can stay after 11 and everyone would like leave us alone and stuff. we could pass for 18 in a year, no prob. some guy in line told me i looked like 19 or so. then again, he looked 24 and he was only 17 ( seriously O_O). so we've already planned that that's what we're askin for for our birhtdays and christmas: anime and sakuracon money.

and i got home. i had left with $290 (all of it either birthday/christmas money anyways, except $40 i got from my dad giving me too much for tickets), and i came home with $1.36. but honestly, i don't think i'd wanna spend it any other way. and like i said, karma prevailed. i had an awesome day, my mom made $700-$800 dollars at her bead thing, and my dad got yelled at. i went to bed pretty happy and VERY tired.


well, that's my life up until now. fwee.


oh yeah, and here's this to close things off:



Find your emotion!
[?]




sound's EXACTLY like me... heh...
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